By Rebecca, Mamxiety Founder. Jan 2025.
During our Mamxiety meetups I’ve had the most amazing and eye opening conversations with mothers in Teesside. So here’s what I have heard. We've spoken about birth trauma, anxiety, GPs, midwives, after birth care, baby loss, intrusive thoughts, body bounce back, juggling life admin whilst trying to fit in some sort of self care, mam fashion - what do I wear now, grieving old self, the mental health stigma still attached to motherhood, the pressure of being a mother in these modern times. And don’t get me started on how expensive soft play and coffee is …
So - ☕️✨ get comfy, grab a cuppa and I hope you enjoy this read. I’ve tried to include as much as I can from the conversations I have had at the meetups I host. I hope you find some comfort in this openness or be able to relate to most of it at least.
Loneliness:
I think this is one of the most surprising to me. I have heard the words ‘lonely’ and ‘loneliness’ so much. I think it’s so brave for someone to say out loud. Then saying that, so many mams at my meetups are totally confident in saying ‘I’m lonely.’
It’s refreshing to hear other people are, and are ok to talk about it. Creating safe spaces for mothers to meet is the start of alleviating that loneliness. There’s so many ‘mum clubs’ across the country - so please find one near you!
We keep laughing when I say how weird and hard it is to make new mam friends when you’re in your 20s, 30s or 40s - Like, ‘Hi there, can we be friends, wanna grab a coffee…’ ‘want to come sit with us…’
The meetups are helping break down that barrier of feeling like a creepy weirdo looking for friends … you CAN come sit with us.
Unfairness you feel with your partner:
This is SUCH a difficult one to talk about. Relationships whilst bringing children into the world is a minefield. Everyone is different, yeah, but a similar trend keeps coming up around the ‘unfairness’ of the small things. Taking a shower and having a sleep in mainly. Which are such small basic human needs that become trivial when you’re in survival mode together.
Be kind and remember you’re a team. Everything is temporary.
Intrusive thoughts:
‘What if we crash and die’ is my main one. But, it’s weirdly comforting to know that a lot of people have these thoughts too. They creep in at the most inappropriate times and scare TF out of you! But THOUGHTS ARE NOT FACTS. You can acknowledge the anxiety or discomfort in the thoughts, but then move on - put it to one side, it’s not real. You are safe.
Am I enough for my child:
We speak about this a lot. I find it so upsetting that any mam would think this of herself. YES YOU ARE… society leads us to these wild thoughts. Tut tut.
You are enough, always will be.
Juggling everything/life admin:
I think being a mam you’re automatically the main planner/caregiver/superwoman… Appointments, family, friends, occasions, events - all whilst remembering to shower. It’s a whirlwind. We need to try to relieve the pressure on mothers and CHANGE THE NARRATIVE. Mother’s shouldn’t be expected to just do it all. Where’s the village???? No, seriously - where is it?
Birth trauma:
This has been a tricky one for me to talk about with mams at the meetups as it resurfaces my birth trauma each time. Yes we should shout out about the good births - I read all the hypnobirthing books - but we still need to talk about the trauma attached to most births too. How do we help that mother afterwards?
I had a hard birth, and it’s stuck with me to the point I am still in pain, still have nightmares and I am in therapy (again.) I felt I was treated unfairly too - the next point relates to this.
Being treated unfairly by midwives / GPs:
It’s unfortunate to know this conversation comes up a lot. Being treated poorly by health professionals is a huge topic we speak about and I would love to try to advocate a change here.
Most of the time it’s no fault of the health professional - they’re tight on time, understaffed, underpaid and don’t have enough time to be empathic, comforting, compassionate etc etc. We need more emphasis on mental health, BOTH parents as well. It’s not just the mother going through this huge life change - their partner is there too. What can we do to help them more?
After care - where is it? I felt completely left to it after I had Hugo. It was a horrible feeling. Yes, the health visitors were good. But only good I’d say, they need more time to actually help new mothers and their partners. You do feel like just a number / ticky box.
Do mothers know you can request a birth reflection appointment? This is to go over your birth notes with a midwife? I requested it as I needed closure on what actually happened during my birth. It helped me loads, so please request this if you need it!
Body bounce back:
Haha, what’s this? We often laugh about this in my meetups. The unrealistic images of mothers just magically bouncing back on social media. No, no …no surely not. I’m three years into motherhood and I can absolutely say my body will never ever be the same again. I’ve accepted that now, but it’s probably taken me two, maybe three years to realise this. So don’t be so hard on yourself mama.
What do I wear now:
I felt like I'd been stripped of my identity when I first had my baby. I didn’t know what to wear - mainly because nothing fitted me, but I just lost my spark. I’m getting it back now, three years on. But in those first few months especially I genuinely felt lost about what to put on. It’s such a weird feeling, but a lot of mothers feel exactly the same (phew.)
Grieving my old self:
Where did she go? Who am I now? The grief is heavy. Try to acknowledge it, as you should not just forget who you were - and then turn it round to things you’re now grateful for as a mother now. You are your child’s whole world, the love they have for you is infinite. Overwhelming yes, but you’re now on this planet to fulfil a new purpose. To be a Mother. Enjoy it (or most of it, and try to get good babysitters so you can have YOU TIME.)
There’s so much more - But here’s some other points I could write separate blog posts on:
- Sleep deprivation
- After birth periods
- The first poop after giving birth
- It’s ok to think your child is a dickhead
- Postnatal depression
- Anxiety stigma
- Having a baby and a dog
- Hiding in another room to eat chocolate
Thank you for being here.
Thanks for reading and I hope you found some comfort or good information in this blog post to know you’re not alone in this wide ride called motherhood. My socials are filled with information around anxiety, breathing techniques and other therapy based solutions if you want to check them out.
Take it easy, I’m sending strength! And please get in touch with me over socials if there’s anything you want to voice through Mamxiety to other mams. I’d love to hear from you.
🧡 Rebecca at Mamxiety xoxo
Email: mamxietymeetup@gmail.com
Follow me on socials @mamxiety
I’m so happy with how the meetups are going. At the moment they are twice a month and are designed to help mothers come together to feel safe and heard. I want to help build that village together with the other mothers here in Teesside.
Current meet up details:
Asda at Portrack Lane Cafe | Tuesdays 9.30am - 10.30am
Lucky’s Play Barn in Stokesley | Fridays 10am - midday
Another to soon open at The Coffee Shed in Normanby!
More details are on Mamxiety socials.
SUPPORT NUMBERS: You are allowed to get support.
Mind: 0300 123 3393 - open 10am - 6pm weekdays (except for bank holidays)
Samaritans: 116 123 - always open
PaNDAS (postnatal depression/anxiety): 0808 1961 776 - open 10am - 5pm weekdays (except for bank holidays - you can book a call too)